Whoop whoop I did it! I have made my first crocheted rectangle. It’s pretty useless but it’s definitely crochet and I understand what I’m trying to do now. It even has the same number of stitches in every row! If I can get the tension sorted then I’ll be well away. Hurrah, it hasn’t been a wasted weekend after all!
My success is entirely due to the wonderful instructions from learn2knit that finally suited me.